Seasons of Change

I so often realize what I can't do, what I've fallen short of, or what I am incapable of achieving. After a year of what I see as my hardest yet I find myself broken, and unsure of myself.

Coming to camp I began to realize my broken self and uncertainty that has grown within. I realize how much I have changed this year, how I became someone so afraid of being what God wanted, someone so overcome by trials and temptations that I lost hope in everything. I entered a slippery slope of falling short of everyone's expectations, and then my own. I was so frustrated, angry and broken by the worldly lies that I became consumed by them. Consumed by the idea that I would never succeed, that I would always fall short of everything, that any hopes and desires were no longer something that I needed to have. I began to lose confidence in my relationships with people, losing trust in what they were saying, always so unsure of what was true and what wasn't. I'm still struggling with that now, knowing what is true and what isn't. Here at camp people are always encouraging me and pouring into me, I don't know how to receive it or how to believe those truths over myself.

Something that is so prominent on my heart right now..

How can I feel lost but still lead people to God, how is it that I feel so empty and so dry, and so Godless but people see Jesus in me. Why do people say I shine and yet I can't believe it over myself.

I want to, but I need to feel that truth, I want to feel the realness in that and believe it. I need to stop second guessing and over thinking. I want God to reign in and through me but not forget to include me, I want to feel God the way people feel Him through me, but how. How can I do that?

So tonight I cry out, asking for guidance.

I declare freedom from these lies in Jesus name.