Its been a while.

Hmmm.
Where to begin?

I have not written in a while, to be honest I don't know why!
I think I shut off a part of me that wanted to express myself, I have been on a journey...
..not an easy one at all, rather a long, lonely, bare, cold road which I have been walking along for a while now. I remember at the end of last summer I saw myself walking along this road, I had felt like it was going to be a hard year, others told me it was going to be a really great one, I think we were both right. This year has been so many things except easy. I've had to face more decisions in one year than I have in the rest of my lifetime. More things standing in my way of reaching every single one of my goals than I could have ever fathomed. You always hear people say "just push through it, you'll get there" but once your faced with those situations that single phrase becomes so much harder to say and to follow, it almost discourages you a bit. I remember thinking "only a bit more, i'll get through it", I remember having this idea that it is solely my situation, that I wasn't supposed to call upon anyone for help, or confide in anyone just me... yea that defiantly wasn't right! I may have even pushed some of the most amazing people away, which was not on purpose. As each new obstacle I face came and went, I began to disengage myself from things; one of the firsts would be swimming (my most favourite sport, which I was/am oh so passionate about), secondly was probably my close friends, and then it was my parents of coarse, this continued... I'm not sure what it was that made me do this, maybe my trust being broken, or feeling like everything good was abandoning me, or if there was something good in the mass of my confusion and sadness. I used to listen to this song called Something Good by RAC remixes of two door cinema's song and pray that the words I were singing were truly real, that something good was coming. I'm not sure if I was blinded by the confusion or the obstacles that I lost sight of that, along with my willingness to fight for what I believe to be true and real in my life. I felt as though I had given up on myself, it was something that I was running from. I don't know why but I've always had some commitment issues, in september I had everything lined up for me, I was a candidate for the national swimming, great opportunities for scholarships, I was determined and motivated ready to plunge into school.. by december that had changed; my passion for swimming had been crushed by a single man, my motivation began to dwindle, my chronic headaches got worse (which was a major cause of my lack of motivation). I felt like nothing, like my head was just above water. And of coarse at the time I made no sense of any of this- I can gladly say i'm beginning to see the bigger picture. I guess i'm writing this because I need to face some things that have happened this year that I ignored and hoped would disappear, well truth is they never disappear. If I sitting here vulnerably face all my obstacles that i've either conquered or failed this year, can I come to terms with them? I guess I can't really know that, I can hope that something good will come of it. I think a good description of this past year would be lost... lost from what or whom I do not know, but I do know I was not walking on familiar ground.

In my last post I spoke about a Highway and road blocks, and about not looking down at our circumstances... now i may seem contradictory but both are real to me. I have moments when I realize my circumstance sucks or things aren't going well, and I can look up and hope for the best but then I have days, months and possibly and year where that almost feels impossible. Things can be so far from good and ideal as well as being far from terrible. I guess its just different, we can't truly test ourselves if were never challenging ourselves, we can't reach our full potential if we don't push ourselves.. now i need to clarify something when I say 'our' i don't necessarily mean our own version of what we can accomplish or our own idea of where our life if leading but i mean 'our big picture' where our life is calling us to be, calling us to accomplish. Now this year I learnt that they may be two very different directions; if i can give you one piece of advice: don't fight it. Don't be so hard on yourself to give up your societal ideal for your life your future, but let the things you love and know to guide you, if you come to that unfamiliar ground don't fight it like i did, walk on it, make a new path.

This summer I just want to do what I love and let that be my guide.



ps. sorry if this entry makes no sense... i'm a bit concussed.