Time to confess.

its been so long since my fingers have even began trying to type on this blog, for that reason I am so unsure. Something just didn't seem  right, I can't say they do right now but I can say, I have nothing to lose. This entry may also be all over the place, because I have nothing pressed on my heart that I feel I can write a lot about and that is ok. However, with that said I can say that I am broken, my heart is crushed, my stomach is in my mouth, and I feel as though I am sitting in a dark room alone with nothing but the sight of a small candle burning.

I was feeling pretty sad and decided to go to bed at watch friday night lights, in the midst of watching it I had the biggest edge to listen to Oceans playlist by Hillsong United, I then ran into the song your love is better by United pursuit band, then how i need you. i guess I don't have much to say other than listen to your heart cry, I need that, I want to be loved, to not feel lonely and sad, to have fun and be happy. To choose joy. It becomes so difficult and sometimes I feel I just need to be OK with NOT being OK. I need to be real about being broken and hurt, to listen to something that will sooth my heart. It may take hours but I need that.

I need more than false happiness, and short term cover ups. I need rest, and healing, and the ability to want to be real and vulnerable. I want to stop pushing people away, and instead draw near. I often play everything off like I'm ok, and that I will move on. Honestly though, I need time. I owe myself that time.

More than anything  right now I just want to go for a run in the rain and sit on a cliff and watch the sunset. I want to camp under the stars and see the world again.